Negotiating, what is the point?

In my posts, I always talk about negotiating and how important it is for any relationship or dynamic, and it is not something you do once but continually. People change, expectations change, and circumstances change, but the constant will always be changing.

So what are negotiations in a BDSM relationship or dynamic? Usually, both partners will sit down together and discuss their soft limits and hard limits. These typically are things you are willing to try or are dead set against trying and need negotiating.

Say, for instance, you might be open to anal, but you refuse to try any form of fisting. Hey, we all have our own kinks, and what works for you might not work for me, but this is the point of negotiating. It is to see if your kinks align or if there is room for negotiating. What surprises me, though, is that most people think that’s all there is to it.

If you are new to your BDSM dynamic or relationship, you should negotiate before every scene. Sometimes, people have shitty days and need a soft Dom instead of a hard Dom, or they could be a little depressed, and humiliation play will do more harm than good, not just to them but possibly your dynamic. If you negotiate before a scene, it doesn’t necessarily have to be 10 minutes before the scene starts but a few hours beforehand via text also is a form of negotiating. Negotiating helps you determine what headspace your partner is in and if you might need to tweak a few things.

Safewords are a must in any relationship regardless of how long you have been together; even if you have never used a safeword with your partner before, knowing that you have a safeword will set you both at ease. So always reconfirm your safeword before you go into a scene.

Another reason that negotiating is essential is to establish medical history. Do they have any allergies or pre-existing heart conditions, or are they prone to overheating? Then Mummification might need to be taken off the list of things to try. Understanding each other’s medical history or any pre-existing conditions helps you understand your limits in terms of play.

Aftercare is a must for many partners, but some people just want to be left alone in a dark room to deal with their feelings; other times, they might need you to cuddle or bathe them. By negotiating beforehand, you will know what each other’s expectations for aftercare and can make sure that enough time is set aside for both of your needs.

So it might seem like a pain in the arse initially but talk, constantly. You will be rewarded.

So what are negotiations in a BDSM relationship or dynamic? Usually, both partners will sit down together and discuss their soft limits and hard limits. These typically are things you are willing to try or are dead set against trying and need negotiating.