Kink and Abuse

Unfortunately, kink and abuse are more common than most would believe, and many people put up with the abuse because they have been led to believe that it is part of the dynamic.

Not all kink relationships are like this.  Although many people who initially find out that you are into kink or have a kinky relationship will instantly assume that you are in an abusive relationship and that your partner is brainwashing you, especially if you are a woman.

Kink relationships are often based on power exchanges in the relationship; you or your partner control certain aspects of the relationship. It could range from what you eat, wear, or watch or what time you go to bed to how long you can be on your phone a day; however, this is all negotiated and consented to beforehand. Consent is crucial in any type of kink relationship.

An abusive relationship is about control, but there are no negotiations beforehand, and you typically don’t consent to being abused by your partner. Abusive partners will threaten violence when you don’t follow their rules or do, as they say, some abusive partners might even threaten to leave you.

So what are the warning signs?

Isolation is the first sign; typically, an abusive partner will want to convince you that your friends and family are bad news and that they don’t want you to succeed or be happy. Your partner might even tell you to stay away from the kink community, and these are all warning signs. By isolating you from your family, community, and friends, they know that you will become dependant on them and that there will be no witnesses to their gaslighting.

Another red flag would be if your partner ignores or disregards your safeword or pushes past your boundaries and limits. Someone who doesn’t respect you or boundaries is dangerous and will ultimately hurt you physically and emotionally. This type of behavior is dangerous and predatory, and you need to get away as soon as possible. There is a reason we have hard and soft limits, and if your partner says anything along the line of “we don’t need that we know each other” or “trust me, I know what you want, or what is best for you,”  it is time to get the fuck out of dodge.

Dominants and submissives can both be abusive partners in a relationship; abuse happens every day in vanilla and kinky relationships. Always trust your gut as if something feels off, you might need to walk away or get someone to help you get out of your situation.

It took me years to get over the trauma of my abusive relationships, and my scars are daily reminders of why I have limits and boundaries in my relationships, there is a difference between kink and abuse.

Unfortunately, kink and abuse are more common than most would believe, and many people put up with the abuse because they have been led to believe that it is part of the dynamic.