How to negotiate a BDSM scene

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How to negotiate a BDSM scene

Negotiating a BDSM scene is vital, especially if you are new to BDSM. The pandemic has changed the world, and many people have started looking online for play partners, and a majority of people looking for online dynamics have just started to explore their kinks.

Negotiating a BDSM scene will help ease you into the dynamic. It will help with your nerves and make you more comfortable, but you will also be able to contribute to planning the scene and understanding what the scene will all entail.

It is also good practice for when you start going to IRL play parties and dungeons; knowing how to negotiate a BDSM scene correctly will benefit you for future scenes.  

BDSM scene

Some of the items you need to negotiate

  • Roles of play partners – Now, this is usually a given, but in BDSM, you have switches that might want to try different roles, so it is essential to understand who will be giving and who will be receiving.
  • Wants and desires – What would you like to get out of the scene? We often have a vast list of things we want to try out; however, you can never try everything in one go. So break your kinks into categories, like spanking or impact play to test pain thresholds and sensations. This way, you can experience a few similar kinks in different ways.
  • Boundaries – These will be boundaries only limited to the type of scene. If it’s an impact scene, your limitations regarding scat or age regression won’t come into play, so it doesn’t require negotiating. Keep it limited to the scene and what areas of your body you want to focus on during the scene.
  • BDSM attire and toys – Negotiate what you and your partner will wear or if you are required to be naked. This is often a limit at the beginning for newbies, so make sure to discuss this, or you might even have latex or leather pieces you want to wear during the scene. Whether or not toys should be included in the scene and what toys you are comfortable using, i.e., if you have never participated in anal play, it might not be the best idea to use a butt plug in your first scene.
  • Playtime – Many people that are new to BDSM don’t understand how long a scene can last; many people that are used to vanilla foreplay and sex don’t realize a scene can last up to a few hours, so set a day and a time duration you would like to play.
  • Health and Trauma – This is very important before a scene; your partner need to know if you have any health issues or experienced trauma before that might trigger you. It isn’t easy to discuss this at the beginning of a dynamic, but your play partner needs to know to avoid any triggers. Suppose body fluids will be exchanged either through sex or oral. Insist on both of you being tested beforehand for STDs and always use protection.
  • Safewords – This is always necessary no matter if you are new or experienced; safewords should always be in play. Agree on verbal safewords and non-verbal safewords. If a partner claims it isn’t necessary, do not engage in play!

A BDSM scene is a release for both parties; you should never feel forced to engage in any type of play that you haven’t agreed to beforehand. BDSM is often non-sexual, so you never have to feel you need to repay someone for flogging you or any other type of play. Negotiating a BDSM scene will help you understand what is involved in the scene and make sure your partner understands your limits and boundaries. If at any point you feel unsure or want to stop play, use your safeword and either stop or slow a scene down, you should always feel comfortable.

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Negotiating a BDSM scene will help ease you into the dynamic. It will help with your nerves and make you more comfortable, but you will also be able to contribute to planning the scene and understanding what the scene will all entail.

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