Asexuality and BDSM
Asexuality and BDSM are more common than you would think; I often write pieces where I talk about sexual dynamics or relationships where couples are into BDSM. However, many people practice BDSM that don’t participate in the sexual aspect of BDSM.
There is no rule book for BDSM; each dynamic and relationship is different. It is what you decide and negotiate it to be at the end of the day. It is imperative to be upfront with a potential partner when you choose to engage in BDSM. If you know you are asexual, let them know you are asexual from the beginning. I know it is not always easy to open yourself up so quickly, but this will save you from unnecessary negotiations only to realize that the other person is more interested in the sexual aspect of BDSM. So be upfront from the beginning.
The great thing about asexuality and BDSM is everything is about negotiating, and you can decide what you are willing to do or try, and you decide where and if you want to be touched. You choose if you’re going to stay clothed or naked. You can choose what names you or your body parts can be called or referred to during a scene. YOU decide and negotiate everything.
The best place to start with BDSM would be going to a local munch; a munch is in a relaxed setting, usually a coffee shop or restaurant. People will be dressed in casual clothing, and there is no nudity or any type of BDSM activities taking place. It is a way to meet people and learn about your local scene; you will learn of classes in your area and any dungeons or private events.
Most dungeons do not allow sexual activities, and if they do, it will be clearly stated so you can then decide if you are willing to go beforehand. There is some nudity in dungeons, but you will not be required to be nude. You will never be forced or coerced into a situation in a dungeon, and you always have the final say.
Regardless if you are submissive or dominant, asexuality and BDSM can work well for you and your partner or friend. Kink and sex don’t go hand in hand in BDSM, and these are two completely different categories for many people. You will create friends in your kink community, and you can arrange to have non-sexual activities.
There are several kinks and fetishes that you can divulge that often don’t involve sex; S&M does not need not any sexual acts, as it’s about inflicting and receiving pain. The same goes for D/s; D/s is about dominance and submission. Sex can often be negotiated as a reward, but only if this is something you want as a reward. Petplay and DD/lg are also activities that often don’t involve sex.
Asexuality and BDSM work well together as there are many ways to enjoy your kinks without having any sexual activities involved; it is entirely up to you what you want and need from your dynamic. I have several friends that started dynamics on a non-sexual basis and, over time, have incorporated forms of sex into their dynamic as they became sexually attracted to their partner.
So go out and explore your kinks; we all need a release at some point.
Regardless if you are submissive or dominant, asexuality and BDSM can work well for you and your partner or friend. Kink and sex don’t go hand in hand in BDSM, and these are two completely different categories for many people. You will create friends in your kink community, and you can arrange to have non-sexual activities.